Begging for Water and Sunshine…

Reflection.  I hate it.  Sometimes.  Because it makes you grow and you know how the whole growing thing goes- you have to plant yourself deep in the dirt, beg for water and sunshine, and push with all of your might to get out of a deep dark place so that you can breathe.  And that’s the good parts of it all.  It’s not an easy thing to do because at your age, you should certainly be fully grown.  At least you think you are- it’s just everybody else that knows differently.  Here’s how I’ve grown over the past year- all 365 glorious days of it.

  1. I have learned that I purely hate myself.  Not entirely.  Just the fat rolls that prevent me from wearing the latest cute clothes.  She’s in there- that girl that wants to wear skinny jeans and boots.  It’s just that there are about 4 other folks in there too that just won’t allow the clothes to fit.  I’ve tried to ask them all to leave, but they won’t listen.  Bertha, who loves PF Changs, refuses to go due to the fact that my frequent trips to Birmingham means that she’ll get her lettuce wraps.  Alice is the all american girl who loves Mexican food.  Poppy likes sugar, but loves what sugar can turn into- such as fudge, cakes, cookies, etc.  And then there’s Imogene- she loves it all and thinks that she looks good regardless.  So, there ya go.  All of my reasons to hate myself- Bertha, Alice, Poppy and Imogene.  I’m saying good bye to them tomorrow.  And I mean it.  I have decided that I need to lose my 4 year old.  NOT LITERALLY.  But I need to lose what she weighs.  And I need to lose 1/2 of my 7 year old.  I’ll be good then and fully prepared for skinny jeans.
  2. I have learned that I can’t make everybody happy.  Good lord, you people are crazy.  Not you…probably.  Unless your name is HG, RH, MS, KSC, RC, AV, or a few more that I won’t mention who probably won’t even read this thing, you aren’t included in this post.  It is clear to me that some people don’t know which end is up.  I do.  It’s usually their butts in the air because they’re so dang backwards.  Yea….I said it.  For future reference…oh wait, I forgot one- KP, her mama, and her sister- you must realize that I know what I am doing.  I am not a magician, and I can’t make things appear.  Nor can I read your minds.  I can’t add something that never belonged in the first place.  Ever.  Half of the folks that you meet in this world hate you.  The other 1/4 act like they like you but really don’t.  The remaining 1/4 are family members that aren’t nuts, friends that have stuck with you through it all, and your imaginary friends that live inside you- much like Bertha, Alice, Poppy and Imogene.  Heck, I’m sure that I’ll make half of the folks who read this mad at some point or another.  Let me be the first to say that it wasn’t me.  It was Bertha.
  3. I have too much.  I need to decompress.  I need to simplify and get rid of all of the excess that I have.  Excess clothes, excess cooking utensils, excess fat, excess weeds in the yard (weedS not weeD), excess everything.  Please be at my house on Friday, the 4th one of April and you can have it all.  I’m cleaning out my life.
  4. I don’t have many friends.  I have a ton of “frenemies” but not a lot of friends.  Frenemies are those folks who you know better than to tell your deepest secrets too.  They’re the ones that you strategically tell just what you want everyone else to hear.  ’Cause  you know they’ll tell it quicker than a Thanksgiving turkey can explode in a turkey fryer.
  5. I need to travel more.  I need to stop thinking that I’m gonna be on the next hijacked plane or crashed plane and fly away to Italy.  Or Europe.  I owe it to myself to see the world and I owe it to my kids to open the world up to them.
  6. My husband is the best friend I could ever have.  Yea…he ticks me off sometimes.  I tick him off too- probably all the time.  But he’s fixes things just when I need him to (except the hole in the ceiling from the roofer and the two toned paint that has taken over my house) and mends my heart.   I’ve never thought that I needed an anti-depressant, but I do sometimes think that I am the reason that other folks need them.
  7. I need to learn something new.  Which also means that I need to drop something old.
  8. I’ve learned that I’ve lost my child.  I mean MY child.  Not my children.  I don’t know how to play anymore.  I don’t know how to let go.  I need to run down the road with the wind in my hair, but can’t because I’m too fat and too scared of not what others would say, but what I’d say about myself.
  9. I don’t like being a business person.  I LOVE being a photographer.  How do I mesh the two?  HMMMMMMM………
  10. I have learned that I am scared.  I’m scared because I’ve learned so much about others that I am scared to trust others.  I’m also scared to trust myself because I’ve not chosen wisely those folks I gave my heart to.  To all of you folks who have a piece of my heart, go ahead and take it.  It’ll be fine.  Because I’m the monster that you say I am, my heart regrows each time it’s broken off.  Like a big green lizard tail.
  11. I’ve learned that I’m way closer to God that I ever thought I could be.  Every day I grow in Him.  Every day turns in to what He wants it to be instead of what I want it to be. That’s quite possibly why 2012 is going to be the best ever.  And you might know, that I’ll have a shorter year to prove it because of the Mayans and all.

This isn’t all.  It’s just about all that I can type because I have to go get EttaFay, the LEGO eating dog.  And because Poppy wants a cookie.

Have a beautiful New Year.  All of you except for those listed above.  ha!  Kiddin’!



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